I turned 39 years old in 2025.
It wasn’t some big, monumental event. The day came and went without much fanfare. I didn’t consider it significant and I don’t remember what we did that day.
And yet, as I sit at my desk and contemplate the next 365 days, I can’t help but realize that this year I will be 40. It’s fair to estimate that I am around the half-way point of my life, although I tend to not count the first 15 years or so because…I mean… I had very little control or agency over what happened in my life during those first 15 years. I was passively experiencing the things that were happening to me. Now, I AM the adult. I am the adultier adult. When people are looking around for the responsible adult in the room that can solve it, that can fix it, that can be safe, that can make you feel like the whole world isn’t falling apart even when it is, they are looking for me.
As I sit in that January fog, trying to find the balance between reflecting on the past and looking ahead to the future, I am reminded of my best friend’s words to me in the aftermath of my divorce. Walking away after nearly 12 years of marriage was one of the hardest things I ever did, and I remember telling her, “I don’t even know who I am. I’ve been his wife and their mom for so long, and even before that, I have always been somebody else’s something. How do you find yourself when you never really had a ‘self’ to begin with?
There is a plethora of reasons why she is my best friend, and her response to me sums it up. She told me, “You have a self. Try to remember the things you have always loved, you’ve always enjoyed and have always mattered to you, outside of other people. It’ll be hard because so much of your life and your advocacy have centered around everyone else, and being an advocate in general is part of who you are, but it isn’t all that you are. What do you like? What do you enjoy? What do you want to do with your time?”
And of course, she was right.
I do have a self. I have an entire identity that is not dependent upon being a wife, an ex-wife, or a partner. I am a mother, and I try really hard to be a good mom, but there is also more to me than motherhood. I’m making a commitment to myself. I am spending these last 8 months before I turn 40 leaning into my own identity. I’m not writing off my kids, my ex-husband or my partner. I’m not going to quit my job to go backpacking across Europe while writing the next great American novel…
But I am going to write.
Trisha’s advice on finding my self post-divorce is resonating with me right now. What have I always loved? What has always made me happy, given me joy, filled me up? What have I always sought out whenever I had a moment for myself? What is something about me that people who have known me at different stages of my life would all agree on?
I am a lover of words. I wrap myself up in the written language like a weighted blanket on the front porch as the first chill of winter sneaks into the air. I love to read, to write, to listen, to absorb. I love words, language, communication. The way that words create, empower, and inspire has been a central part of who I am since before I remember being me.
I’m going to spend more time this year doing two things that I love, simply because I love them. I’m going to read more and write more. I started a Substack account… I know nothing about Substack, so we will see what happens there. I’ll keep using this blog, although I’m not sure how yet. To monitor my own progress? To process? To talk about what I’m reading/writing? I’m not sure yet. The Facebook page for “Find your Roar” is still active, and I might re-engage that page for dialogue and content surrounding abuse, survivorship and hope again. I’ve got a Tiktok, but honestly, there’s no rhyme or reason to the way I use that app. It mostly just steals my life away and gives me my news.
I’ve also started another project. I don’t know what will come of it, but I am tired of sitting around saying “Someday I will write…” I haven’t gotten far, but I’m about 30k words into my first actual manuscript. I hope to complete a first draft this year.
Language is a foundational building block of community. That is what I am seeking, it is what I yearn for and hope to build. I crave the connection and communication that comes from being a reader and a writer.
What are you reading? What are you writing? Are you part of any communities? Any advice, guidance or ideas as I move into the last part of my 30s?
Happy New Year, let’s build something beautiful together!
Be Bold. Live out Loud.
The Journey is Real 